I Am a Great Eater of Beef, and I Believe That Does Harm to My Wit!
Twelfth Night: Act ane, Scene iii
Enter SIR TOBY Discharge and MARIA.
SIR TOBY BELCH
aneWhat a plague ways my niece, to take the death
iiof her brother thus? I am sure care'south an enemy
3to life.
MARIA
4Past my troth, Sir Toby, you lot must come in before
va' nights: your cousin, my lady, takes great
5. a': of. cousin: kinswoman.
6exceptions to your sick hours.
SIR TOBY Belch
7Why, let her except, before excepted.
MARIA
8Ay, but you must confine yourself within the
9modest limits of order.
9. modest: moderate. order: orderly behave.
SIR TOBY BELCH
xConfine! I'll confine myself no finer than I am:
11these clothes are good enough to beverage in; and then
12be these boots too: an they be not, let them hang
12. an: if.
13themselves in their own straps.
MARIA
14That quaffing and drinking volition undo y'all: I heard
fifteenmy lady talk of it yesterday; and of a foolish
sixteenknight that you brought in one night here to exist
17her wooer.
SIR TOBY Discharge
eighteenWho, Sir Andrew Aguecheek?
MARIA
19Ay, he.
SIR TOBY BELCH
20He's as alpine a man equally any'southward in Illyria.
20. tall: valiant, as in "standing alpine."
MARIA
21What's that to the purpose?
21. that: i.e., Aguecheek's height (Maria is beingness sarcastic).
SIR TOBY BELCH
22Why, he has 3 yard ducats a year.
MARIA
23Ay, only he'll have but a twelvemonth in all these ducats:
23. he'll take but a year in all these ducats: he'll spend all of his coin in a year.
24he's a very fool and a prodigal.
SIR TOBY Belch
25Fie, that yous'll say so! he plays o' thursday'
26viol-de-gamboys, and speaks three or 4
26. viol-de-gamboys: viola da gamba (literally, "leg-viol").
27languages word for give-and-take without book, and
27. without book: from memory.
28hath all the good gifts of nature.
28. good gifts of nature: natural abilities.
MARIA
29He hath indeed, near natural: for besides that
29. natural: idiotic, retarded.
30he's a fool, he's a slap-up quarreller: and just that
31he hath the gift of a coward to abate the gust he
31. abate the gust: decrease the gusto.
32hath in quarrelling, 'tis idea among the
33prudent he would rapidly have the souvenir of a grave.
SIR TOBY BELCH
34By this manus, they are scoundrels and subtractors
34. substractors: (Sir Toby probably means "detractors.")
35that say so of him. Who are they?
MARIA
36They that add together, moreover, he'southward drunk nightly in
37your company.
SIR TOBY BELCH
38With drinking healths to my niece: I'll drinkable to
39her as long equally in that location is a passage in my throat and
fortydrink in Illyria: he'due south a coward and a coystrill
40. coystrill: knave, punk.
41that will not drinkable to my niece till his brains turn
42o' the toe like a parish-top. What, wench!
41-42. plow o' the toe: spin. 42. parish-top: a spinning top.
43 Castiliano vulgo! for here comes Sir Andrew
43. Castiliano vulgo!: Perhaps "Talk nice to him!"
44Agueface.
44. Agueface: (Toby's mistake for, or mockery of, "Aguecheek.")
Enter SIR ANDREW.
SIR ANDREW
45Sir Toby Belch! how at present, Sir Toby Belch?
SIR TOBY Discharge
46Sweet Sir Andrew!
SIR ANDREW
47Bless you, fair shrew.
MARIA
48And yous likewise, sir.
SIR TOBY Discharge
49Accost, Sir Andrew, accost.
SIR ANDREW
50What'due south that?
SIR TOBY Belch
51My niece'south chambermaid.
51. chambermaid: lady in waiting, companion.
SIR ANDREW
52Good Mistress Accost, I desire better
53acquaintance.
MARIA
54My name is Mary, sir.
SIR ANDREW
55Proficient Mistress Mary Accost, —
SIR TOBY BELCH
56You mistake, knight; 'address' is front her,
57board her, woo her, assail her.
SIR ANDREW
58By my troth, I would not undertake her in
59this company. Is that the significant of 'accost'?
MARIA
60Fare you well, gentlemen.
SIR TOBY Belch
61An thou let part so, Sir Andrew, would thou
61. An thousand let role so: if you lot let her just exit.
62mightst never draw sword once more.
61-62. grand mightst never describe sword again: i.e., y'all can't claim to be a existent human being.
SIR ANDREW
63An you part so, mistress, I would I might
64never draw sword again. Off-white lady, do y'all
65recall you accept fools in hand?
MARIA
66Sir, I accept not you by the hand.
SIR ANDREW
67Ally, but you shall accept — and here'southward
68my hand.
MARIA
69Now, sir, 'thought is free:' I pray yous, bring
70your paw to the buttery-bar and permit it drink.
SIR ANDREW
71Wherefore, sweet-eye? what'due south your
72metaphor?
MARIA
73It'southward dry, sir.
73. dry: thirsty. (And a dry hand signifies impotence.)
SIR ANDREW
74Why, I think and so: I am non such an donkey just I tin
75continue my hand dry. Just what's your jest?
74-75. I can keep my mitt dry: i.e., I know to come up in out of the rain.
MARIA
76A dry out jest, sir.
76. dry jest: subtly ironic witticism (as in "dry wit") and/or stupid butt of a witticism (equally in "you are a joke").
SIR ANDREW
77Are you full of them?
MARIA
78Ay, sir, I have them at my fingers' ends: marry,
78. have them at my fingers' ends: have at the ready.
79at present I let go your hand, I am barren.
79. barren: incapable of producing (any more jests).
Exit Maria.
SIR TOBY Belch
lxxxO knight thou lackest a loving cup of canary: when did I
fourscore. canary: sweet wine from the Canary Islands.
81encounter thee so put downward?
81. put down: mocked, defeated in a battle of wits.
SIR ANDREW
82Never in your life, I recollect; unless you see canary
83put me downwards. Methinks sometimes I have no more
83. put me down: make me drunk and stupid.
84wit than a Christian or an ordinary man has: but I
84. Christian: i.eastward., average Joe.
85am a great eater of beef and I believe that does harm
86to my wit.
85-86. great eater of beef and I believe that does damage to my wit: A common idea of the time, echoed in the modern insult, "meathead."
SIR TOBY Belch
87No question.
SIR ANDREW
88An I idea that, I'ld forswear it. I'll ride home
88. An: if. I'ld forswear: I would requite upwards. information technology: i.e., eating beef (Sir Andrew doesn't
reallyretrieve that eating beef makes him stupid.)
89tomorrow, Sir Toby.
SIR TOBY BELCH
90Pourquoi, my dearest knight?
SIR ANDREW
91What is 'Pourquoi'? do or not practise? I would
91. Pourquoi: Why? (French).
92I had bestowed that time in the tongues that
92. bestowed: given. the tongues: foreign languages.
93I take in fencing, dancing and carry-baiting.
94O, had I only followed the arts!
SIR TOBY Belch
95Then hadst grand had an first-class head of
96hair.
SIR ANDREW
97Why, would that have mended my hair?
97. mended: improved.
SIR TOBY BELCH
98By question; for thou seest it will non
99curl by nature.
SIR ANDREW
100Just it becomes me well enough, does't
101non?
SIR TOBY Discharge
102First-class; it hangs like flax on a distaff;
102. flax on a distaff: 
103. huswife: housewife; as well hussy, whore. 104. spin it off: Loss of pilus was a sign of infection with an STD.
103and I promise to run across a housewife take thee
104betwixt her legs and spin information technology off.
SIR ANDREW
105Faith, I'll habitation tomorrow, Sir Toby: your
106niece will not be seen; or if she be, it'due south four
107to one she'll none of me: the count himself
107. the count himself: i.eastward., Orsino.
108here hard by woos her
108. here hard by: nearby.
SIR TOBY BELCH
109She'll none o' the count: she'll not match higher up
109-110. non match to a higher place her caste: non marry her superior.
110her degree, neither in estate, years, nor wit; I
110. estate: fortune, social position.
111take heard her swear't. Tut, in that location'due south life in't,
111. there'due south life in't: i.e.,there'due south still promise that you can win her.
112man.
SIR ANDREW
113I'll stay a month longer. I am a fellow o' the
114strangest mind i' the globe; I delight in masques
114. masques: masquerades.
115and revels sometimes altogether.
115. revels: partying.
SIR TOBY Belch
116Art one thousand good at these kickshawses, knight?
116. kickshawses: trifles, elegant amusements.
SIR ANDREW
117Every bit whatsoever man in Illyria, whatsoever he be, under the
118caste of my betters; and however I will non compare
119with an sometime man.
117-118. nether the degree of my betters: except for those who are better. quondam man: i.e., more experienced man.
SIR TOBY BELCH
120What is thy excellence in a galliard, knight?
120. galliard: a fast dance with a lot of tricky steps, including capers.
SIR ANDREW
121Organized religion, I can cut a caper.
121. cut a caper: brand a lively leap.
SIR TOBY Belch
122And I can cut the mutton to't.
122. to't: to go with it (Capers were and are used in condiments. Also, "mutton" can hateful "whore").
SIR ANDREW
123And I call up I have the back-trick only equally strong
123. back-play a joke on: backward step or kick in the galliard.
124as any man in Illyria.
SIR TOBY BELCH
125Wherefore are these things hid? wherefore have
126these gifts a drapery before 'em? are they like to
127take dust, like Mistress Mall's motion picture? why dost
127. take dust: gather dust. Mistress Mall's flick: perchance a painting with a protective curtain.
128thou not go to church in a galliard and come home in
129a coranto? My very walk should be a jig; I would non
129. coranto: a running dance.
130so much equally make water but in a sink-a-stride. What
130. brand water: pee. sink-a-footstep: dance like the galliard.
131dost thou hateful? Is information technology a world to hibernate virtues in?
132I did call up, by the excellent constitution of thy
133leg, information technology was formed under the star of a galliard.
133. star of: astrological sign favorable to.
SIR ANDREW
134Ay, 'tis strong, and it does indifferent well in a
134. indifferent: moderately (Sir Andrew is proudly small-scale).
135flame-coloured stock. Shall we gear up almost some
135. stock: stocking.
136revels?
SIR TOBY Belch
137What shall we do else? were we not born under
138Taurus?
138. Taurus: the second sign of the Zodiac.
SIR ANDREW
139Taurus! That's sides and heart.
139. sides and center: (Sir Andrew is wrong; Leo governs sides and heart.)
SIR TOBY BELCH
140No, sir; it is legs and thighs. Let me see the
140. legs and thighs: (Sir Toby is right, but Taurus is more normally associated with neck and pharynx, appropriate for drinkers.)
141caper; ha! higher: ha, ha! excellent!
Exeunt.
Source: https://shakespeare-navigators.com/TN_Navigator/Twelfth_Night_Act_1_Scene_3.html
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